random tots...

just tot i post somethings that have been floating in my head.....

well, first up, sch as per normal... so much things to do, but somehow it seems that i'm losing the fire to carry on with my work... i know i'm lagging behind in some aspects of work, things like projects, and i do feel bad for my groups... i do try to make up, but somehow, i feel as if i dont belong in any of them as i'm like so detached from them... its like i dono wats going on with the projects and i'm laggin behind... sighz, i know in this process somewhere, i pissed people off with my attitude... and i'm not giving myself excuses for it... i know it myself... but somehow, i have just turned on the 'heck care' attitude over some things... wats wrong with me!?

i know i've changed alot during these few years, for the better i hope... i came to find my calling in OT and know roughly where i want to go... i can't say am not contented... i am... wat more can i ask for? i'm doing fine in sch and clinicals... but somehow, something is missing... i dono if its just that i'm deperate for company of someone... sometimes, i just do which i have someone to turn to when things are getting stressful.... i know my friends are always there for me, but i do want that speical someone who i can share my life with.... someone who will appriciate me for myself, cos i think i dont do that often... think i'm too caught up with wanting to be better that i don't take time to appreciate myself.... the tot that i'm just not good enuff always haunt me... i dono if it has to me being insecure or just tat how i'm brought up, constantly being told that i'm not really that good and things can be better... so much so that now my tots are constantly filled with wanting to be better... i mean, there is a limit to how much better one can get rite? but then i don't even know where that limit is and i'm always pushing myself too hard to get there... i'm kinda tired of myself for being like tat....

i just want someone to come and tell me i'm doing fine, that i'm much better that what i think i am... i'm someone who needs reassurance... i can't believe the words that i tell myself... especially when i try to be positive about things... somehow, its like the good words that i tell myself would not last long... i've been trying to make things easier for myself for the past few months, i got to say, its working to some point... i'm letting go of things... i'm making life abit more bearable for myself... but i really want this to last... and not to go back the same direction it came from...

am i really antisocial? or is it tat i just have no time to go tok to people... lynn said i'm antisocial... which i think is partially true... its like, if the person doesn't approach me or make an effort to carry on the conversation, i dont bother either... its not tat i don't want to tok, but sometimes, i feel like i'm forcing people to entertain me, and i hate it... i dono.. i just don't want to impose on others... even if it means i have to suffer alone... tats just me...

sighz... i really dono where my tots are bringing me... but at least i know for the moment, i'm sure of certain aspects of myself... things like me being a lesbian and proud of it is something that took me sometime to come to terms too... and i'm glad i can accept some parts of myself....

lets see where life leads me then....